I recently attended my daughters grade school track meet. It was most interesting to sit back and watch the children. However, something happened there that disturbed me. I observed the children running and like with most track meets, it was very obvious that some of the children wanted to be there and others did not. My own daughter, got first in the obstacle course, second in the frisbee throw, third in 100, fourth in the sack race and fifth in the long jump (there was only five, she does not like the long jump and did not want to do it.). The children that did not want to be there really did not try. Some did things like run with thier hats on and spend more time making sure it stayed on, others simply did not try and one or two virtually walked thier races. Most of the time there were parents and teachers that waited at the finish line and each child heard good job, when they finished. I have a problem with this.
I know that some experts tell us to tell our children good job so that they will have a healthy self-esteem. I think that telling a child good job, when obviously they did not do a good job is equally if not more damaging. It was painfully obvious that many of these children did not do a good job and did not even do thier best. They were more interested in joking around or simply getting out of school, than actually trying. To tell these children good job teaches them two main things. The first is that they do not have to try to get a reward, so why try. The second is that the parent or teachers have very low expectations of them, so again why try.
Human beings as a whole are lazy. We will do the least amount of work possible to get the result desired. Hence, these children learn that thier reward will come whether or not they work hard. The world as a whole does not function this way. Hence, when they get older and are out in the real world, who is going to tell them good job, when they really stink at what they are doing. More specifically it is not when they are doing something they do not have the ability to do, it is when they are doing something they have the ability for, yet do not do it to the best of their ability. Telling a child good job when they really did not try simply shows they will get a reward no matter what. This is not preparing them for the real world and gives them no sense of accomplishment. Therefore, this practice actually damages self-esteem.
The secon teaching is even more damaging. The real message seems to me, that my expectations are so low of you that I am going to tell you good job even when you did not do a good job, because you did what I expected. It tells the child that you do not expect any more out of them. Again the message is why try. The message is I can't do it, so why try.
One other thing such insincere statements do is break down the trust of a child in his or her teacher or parent. They usually know when they did not do a good job and when they did. When we tell them good job, they will stop believing and may even wonder what else we say that is not true or sincere.
I realize the current trend in our society and culture is to promote self-esteem. However, let's be real. Are we promoting false self-esteem at the price of preparing our children for the real world? Are we rewarding mediocrity or less in the name of self-esteem? It seems to me we are.
For those of you that are curious. I told my daughter she did a good job on all of her events except the Long Jump. On that one we talked about why she did not even try. She said she did not want to do it and the teacher made her. I said okay and we went on. She knew she did not do a good job anyway. Why would I lie to her and tell her she did.
